Once Upon a Planet
by Outtie
Summary: The crew gates to a strange planet full of fairy tale characters.


**Once Upon a Planet**

_KAWOOSH!_

.

.

.

_KAWIISH!_

The stargate gurgled goodbye as the last of the landing party stepped through.

Colonel Everett Young the semi-agreed upon commander of the Ancient star vessel Destiny halted his team with an imperious wave of his arm (left for those who go in for details like that), for before them was not the quarry like aspect one expects on missions like this.

"Mr. Brody!" he challenged, "What's with the pretty forest? I thought we came here for rocks."

"Um, yeah" Brody murmured, "That was actually the _last_ planet we gated too. This one clearly kino'd as pretty forest."

"Guess Rush isn't the only one skipping briefings lately" Volker murmured.

Rush remained silent. Pointedly so.

"Sooo we're not here for rocks?" the Colonel asked.

"No, Sir" Lt. Johansson answered, "Food stuff and medicinals this trip."

"Well now I just feel silly" Young said.

"Why?" Lt. Scott asked.

"Obviously" the Colonel replied tugging fitfully at his uniform top, "because I'm here on forest world wearing my _rock world_ outfit. So embarrassing."

"Sir… that's your _only _outfit" Lt. James chimed in, unwilling to be the only lieutenant without a line for three weeks strait.

"At least you didn't get stuck wearing a Red Shirt all over a dangerous and hostile universe" Eli muttered.

"Are you ninnies going to talk about fashion all day or will you be addressing the giant glass coffin standing six feet in front of the stargate" Rush rumbled.

Young turned to fix Rush with a penetrating glare. "All in good time, Rush" he turned to Greer, "Geeze, but he's a lot of work."

"In fairness to him, it _is_ kind of an obvious first move" Volker admitted, edging slowly towards the glass coffin.

Young shrugged and leaned languidly against the inactive gate, "Fine whatever. Call me if you find any neat looking rocks."

Dr. Dale Volker ran his hand (right this time for those keeping score) along the beveled glass coffin lid whereupon he became the first to notice the shapely form within.

"Stand back!" Volker cried as he gazed through the glass coffin lid in amazement. _If there really was a girl in there, no one from the military was going to get the jump on him this time_. He shoved hard against the lid. It didn't budge.

"Do, uh, you need a hand with that, Doc?" Sergeant Greer asked.

"Not from you!" Volker yelled. His face changed color (persimmon perhaps?) causing him to add (rather sheepishly), "I mean, Brody is closer. That's… that's all I meant."

Once united the dynamic duo of Brody and Volker were able to move the coffin lid with minimal effort. After which it prompted slid off the other side of the coffin and shattered into precisely 2,678 pieces. 42 of which lodged themselves in Brody's hair.

Untroubled by the sheer number of glass shards in Brody's already unruly and now positively dangerous hair, Volker stared at the beautiful brunette corpse they had just uncovered. "She almost looks alive" he said.

"Maybe someone should give her a kiss" Eli said, subtly moving closer to the coffin.

The whole group turned and stared at him quizzically.

"Oh come on!" he exclaimed, "Snow White. I can't be the only person on this planet who has seen Snow White!"

"It rings a vague bell" Rush shrugged.

Eli rolled his eyes at the sheer ignorance he was forced to deal with on a daily basis, "It was this really cheesy Disney flick from like the 30's or something and there was this singing princess who moved in with a bunch of dwarves because her step-mother wanted to cut out her heart and, I don't know, eat it or something…"

"Family friendly fair no doubt" Rush opined.

"It _was_ actually" Eli said, "In the end this prince from, I don't know, some other kingdom, shows up, sees Snow White dead in her coffin and kisses her back to life and then he just sort of scoops her up and carries her off to his castle."

"Charming" James commented acidly.

"Exactly!" Eli said.

"Sounds more like date-rape than happily ever after to me" James muttered.

"You know your problem, James?" Scott said, "You've got no romance in your soul. You ever heard of love at first sight?"

"Sure I've heard of it" she replied, "It seems to happen to you every, oh, six weeks or so."

"Now now, children" Rush chided, "If you'd stop your petty bickering you might just get to introduce yourself to the new Mrs. Volker. It seems the lad must've actually worked up the nerve to snog her. She's up."

Scott and James dropped their argument just in time to see Volker lifting a very sleepy looking brunette from her coffin.

(O)

"Did I just see what I think I did?" Eli stammered.

"Yep" Brody said, "Looks like Volker finally scored."

"Something is definitely not right with this planet" Greer muttered.

"I think it's sweet" Park sighed.

Young just shrugged and turned to Rush, "This…" he waved his arms vaguely at Volker and his incredibly pale bride, "This is your problem".

"How is 'this' my problem?" Rush asked, the irritation in his voice so obvious even Park stopped smiling.

"You're my LEAD scientist" Young reminded him, "I just saw an astrophysicist with the personality of a dormouse romance a corpse dressed in a princess costume. Clearly there is something weird and sciency going on here, so go ahead and do your job. LEAD."

Rush grimaced and clinched his fists, briefly giving in to the utter frustration of being constantly and thanklessly asked to pull solutions out of his ass on a daily basis. "Well, Colonel, for once I agree. Something is clearly amiss on this planet, but if you want answers instead of observations, than I'm afraid you're going to have to give me some more time to gather data on this planet and it's 'er… natives."

"He's right" Brody said, "The mere fact that Volker is over there making out with a hot chick right now just isn't enough data to draw any solid conclusions from."

"She could just be really nice" Park chirped.

"_Or_ she could be mentally ill" Brody offered.

"Or maybe we all died in wormhole transit and this… this is Hell." Eli alleged.

"Hell for everyone, _except_, Volker?" Brody queried.

"Maybe he led a really pure life?" Eli said.

"Now that, that I believe" Greer said.

"Well, Rush?" Young asked, turning again to the surly scientist. After all he'd had a whole two minutes by now he should have _some_ kind of theory by now.

"Well at the moment, Colonel" Rush said, "The only thing I can compare this place to is Glasgow in 1979." 

"That's awfully specific" Eli said.

"So you're saying you visited this planet in the 70's?" Young asked.

"No I'm saying I took LSD in the 70's." Rush said, "That's the only thing I can compare this place too."

"Can't that stuff kill you?" Eli said.

"Well obviously not since _I'm standing right here_, Mr. Wallace."

"Oh, right."

"So you think maybe we're all high right now?" Young said, "and somehow we're all having that same hallucination?"

"It's a working theory" Rush said, "One I'll gladly pass on to TJ since the next step will likely involve taking urine samples from the landing party."

"I'll pass that along" Young said, "I'm sure TJ will be thrilled, but what do we do in the meantime?"

"Well, Colonel, we're in a picturesque wood watching the least charming prince I've even seen propose to a complete stranger with a ring he just plucked from a tree that appears to grow diamond rings instead of apples… I suggest we follow the road."

"Road?" Young said looking around.

"We're *ahem* standing right on it, Sir" Scott told Young, subtly hiding his hint behind a cough and pointing to the brick leading directly from the stargate into the pretty woods.

"Wait!" Eli exclaimed, "Aren't those bricks… yellow?"

"Don't you dare say it…" Rush grumbled.

Young grinned, "Let's follow the yellow brick road, boys!"

Rush groaned. It was times like this that almost made him miss Telford. Almost.

(O)

The road rambled on over a river and through the woods; every so often other brick roads would spiral off the main path and disappear into the thick woods and at every such junction there would be a sign in Ancient telling them where the side tracks led.

_The Gumdrop Forest_

_Cinderella's Village_

_Marshmallow Marsh_

_Belle's Library_

_The Dark Castle_

_Dwarf Mines_

_Camelot_

_Sleeping Beauty's Castle_

…Brody counted off the roads they'd already passed. _Roughly one side-road every quarter mile or_ so, he figured.

"Soooo are we going to try any of these intersections eventually or are waiting for something in particular?" Eli asked.

"_Like what the Emerald City_?" Rush grumbled, proving he'd seen at least one film in his life that wasn't a western, "We're gathering data, Mr. Wallace." He continued in a flat tone, "If we sent men to follow each side road we'd have run out of soldiers back in the _Marshmallow Marsh_, whatever that is and so far no one we've encountered on this planet has been helpful in the slightest."

"Come on, Colonel" Eli pleaded, "Can't we check any of these places out? How can you NOT be curious! I mean, Volker…"

Young glanced at the sign they'd just passed.

_Sleeping Beauty's Castle_

"Fancy a little thrilling heroics do you, Mr. Wallace?" said Young.

"What about Corporal Barnes?" Park asked, "I thought after the whole Novis thing, you know with you two hooking up back then or in the future or whatever that was… I thought yu were going to at least talk to her."

"Oh, I talked" Eli said, "In fact I babbled. I told her about everything on the kinos and about our descendants and about how our great-great-grandson designed the first space shuttle on Novis… "

"Eli, you didn't!" Park winced.

"Oh, I did" he said, "and when I finally paused for breath, she said, and I quote, 'not if I was the last man on the planet', which I now realize I kind of was on Novis."

Eli looked pleadingly at Young.

"Eli…" Young sighed.

Brody coughed, "We are in kind of a female deficit, Colonel" he said.

"Are you suggesting I allow my men to start recruiting princesses just to balance out the numbers, Mr. Brody?" Young asked.

"Well, it's just if Volker can get a woman on this planet, than I don't see why Eli shouldn't be able to. They don't seem to be too choosy."

Eli glared at Brody, but since he was sort of trying to help him, Eli kept his displeasure quiet. For once.

Young looked at Rush, "You're always telling me you need more men, Rush."

Rush harrumphed, "I meant scientists, engineers, useful people!" he said.

"Colonel…" Eli begged.

Young gave in, "All right Eli, go save your princess. Just don't get yourself eaten by a dragon or anything, ok."

"Yes sir!" Eli saluted. He grinned his thanks to Young, but looked suddenly thoughtful as he noticed the thick thorny vines shadowing the path to Sleeping Beauty's Castle. "Can I maybe get a sword or you know a machete before I go?" he asked.

Greer said he saw a sword in a rock down the road a ways.

"Oh good!" Eli said, "Maybe I can pull it out and rule Camelot. Chicks dig a title. _King Eli_ 'The Wise'…" he puffed out his chest, imagining how awesome he'd look in armor.

Greer slowly looked Eli up and down, "Or maybe we could blast it out with some C4. You know just in case the super-strength portion of your fairy tale doesn't quite pan out..."

Eli scowled, but his hormones won the day and he and Greer left together on a quest to save a princess. Any princess.

Rush's radio squawked at his hip, _"UH, Dr. Rush, this is Volker. Come in."_

Rush unsnapped his radio to reply. "Yes?" he snapped.

"_I may have inadvertently solved the mystery of this planet, Sir."_

"Please do share with the rest of the class Mr. Volker" Rush replied in his best professorial tone.

"_I believe, 'er I mean I am now certain that the people on this planet are 'erm, I guess you could call them 'androids'."_

"Androids?" Rush repeated, hoping to elicit a more scientific explanation.

Volker sighed audibly, "_Yes. I'm afraid so."_

"Androids?" Young asked looking at Rush quizzically, "Does he mean like robots?"

"Actually android is probably the more correct term in this situation" Brody said, "A robot is basically any machine that can operate remotely while an android is a machine made specifically to look human and even to mimic human emotion and thought."

"So basically androids have a face and limbs and stuff, and robots are just like boxes on wheels?" Young said.

"Yeah", Brody said slowly, "yeah I guess that description works here too"

"Mr. Volker, might I inquire as to how you came by this belief that the people here are androids?" Rush asked loudly, trying to drown out the inane chatter of the weak minds that always seemed to require regular intervals of human contact.

"_I was, er, 'investigating' the 'um, 'locals' and I happened to see that one of them had a control panel of some kind on their person."_

"Where was this control panel?" Rush asked, "I assume it was hidden by the clothing or by the hair or I would've seen it myself."

"_The control panel_" Volker began slowly, "_was located, on her, 'er… the 'local person's', hmm …posterior."_

"And how precisely did you come by a view of this particular local's posterior?" Rush asked.

"Well, Rush, when a man and woman love each other…" Young began.

"I think you mean 'man and robot'" Brody offered.

"_How I found it isn't really the point!_" Volker shouted over the radio causing it to shriek loudly.

"Oh I think it's the best part of this story so far" Young said.

"Oh I love a good story" Greer said as cheerily as he re-joined the party.

"I thought you were helping Eli?" Young said.

"I was. Turned out he got that sword out of the stone all on his own. Said it was like pulling a knife through butter."

"So where is he now?" Young asked.

"Oh, first he was strutting around that big damn rock shouting about how he was the 'once and future king' or something and then he told me he didn't need my help anymore and he took off down the thorny road to towards Sleeping Beauty's Castle.

"_Make sure to tell him that whatever he does DO NOT undress the princess_" Volker said the sadness in his voice depressing the radio unit, _"Because it's really really disappointing."_

"We'll be sure to pass that along, Mr. Volker" Rush said.

"Hey! Do you uh think maybe there are some boy robots around here?!" Dr. Park suddenly exclaimed.

"Hey" Greer countered, "I think it's time you and I head back to the ship."

"Awwww"

"I guess that goes for all of us" Young said, "You'd better radio Eli and let him know."

Rush shrugged and walked off a few paces to radio Eli the bad news._ I guess I won't get a chance to peruse that library after all_ he sighed to himself.

"Well I guess this mission was a bust" Young said, removing his hat and running his fingers through his sweaty hair.

"It wasn't a total loss, Sir" Greer said, "After all, I'm pretty sure Volker got to at least second base with a robot princess."

"I wonder why the aliens or whoever built this place made the androids look human?" Park said, "And if they're anatomically correct."

"Again, it is time to go." Greer said.

"Time to go back down the yellow brick road boys" Young said, "RUSH!" he called to the scientist who was still explaining the facts of life on this planet to a crushed Eli, "Time to go…"

(O)

"I don't suppose TJ found any food on Shore Leave world?" a gloomy Eli asked back on board Destiny.

"Actually we collected a lot of food there" Volker said, "It turns out the androids are all excellent farmers and bakers. The fields they showed us were overflowing with produce and all the little shops were fully stocked with all the baked and dry goods you would expect in an affluent and impossibly clean medieval European village" he paused, "and of course once we realized that they didn't actually need to eat anything…"

"We pretty much cleaned them out" Greer finished.

"How good do you think those robots…"

"Androids." Brody corrected.

"_Androids_… are at cooking MREs?" Young asked.

"Oh I'd guess they could pick that up pretty quickly" Brody said, "Judging by our own interactions with them they seem to be quick learners."

"In that case, why don't you and Scott and Greer get a team together and nab a couple of the local bakers to help Becker out in the kitchen."

"Will do, Sir" Greer replied.

"Um, do you think maybe we could bring back one or two more of the androids?" Brody asked.

"Don't bother Brody. They're built like Barbie dolls…" Volker said.

"I didn't mean that!" Brody said, "I just think if I could study them, maybe take one apart, maybe I could re-build or reprogram them to do things other than boil water in the canteen. Might even find something in there to help us power up Destiny between stars" he said, "After all we don't even know how the androids get their power."

"There wasn't an extension cord in sight, Sir" Greer quipped.

"You make an excellent point, Mr. Brody" Young turned to Scott, "Go ahead and box up a few more and stack them in Mr. Brody's lab. With any luck we can have this place running smoothly for more than ten minutes at a time."

"No problem, Sir" Scott said, "We had to go pack and pick up Rush anyway. He's hold up in the town library looking for information on where this all came from."

"Did he find a section on how to build androids?" Brody asked, "Because that could really help…" 

"I think he said the books were all novels and fairytale books" Scott replied, "But he said the librarian knew where to find some of the more technical stuff."

"Whatever" Young said, "Tell him he can bring back whatever he thinks he needs, but I don't want to be parked here any longer than necessary. Need I remind you we still have a mission to complete."

"You mean that static stuff the science types are always going on about?" Greer asked.

"Yes."

"Personally I'd rather spend a few weeks parked here, eating good food and getting a little sunshine" Greer said, "What will a few weeks matter anyway?"

"Probably not a lot in the grand scheme of things" Young admitted.

"What about the aliens?" Brody said.

"I think we can be pretty sure we left the drones and the blue guys behind in the other galaxy" Scott said, "Right?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure there is no possible way they could have followed us across the galactic void" Brody said, "Well no way we know of anyhow…"

"Gee, that's reassuring" Volker murmured.

"I was talking about the aliens that built this place" Brody continued, "What if they come back and take issue with us taking all their stuff?"

"That's not going to happen… right?" Eli stammered, "I mean IF they do come back, they must've meant us to find this place, why else were all the signs in Ancient? Why did they fill the place with fairytale characters from Earth's past?"

"Hey, you think maybe it was the same aliens that made Cain's Eden planet?" Scott asked.

"I wouldn't put it past a species capable of building an entire planet and re-animating the soulless dead to build a few quaint shops and a handful of androids" Brody said.

"Save the metaphysical stuff for when you're off duty, gentlemen" Young ordered, "Just go down there and bag me a half-dozen or so robots and one Scottish misanthrope and if you do it really really quickly, I might even let you and the rest of the crew have a few days leave on fairytale world, ok?"

"Yes Sir" Scott and Greer echoed.

As the retrieval team readied for gate transit Brody leaned in to whisper in Greer's ear, "Hey, any chance we can make sure Snow White is one of the androids we bring back?" he asked, "Because I have like a hundred ideas for how I can torture Volker about all this."

Greer smiled conspiratorially. "Now _that _sounds like a happy ending to me…"

THE END


End file.
